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Saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot. He noticed me looking at him and said "he's mine, I'm not stealing him or anything" and then before i could reply he added...

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"If i was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn't be this asshole"

by r/jokes
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General
Jesus walked into a bar, saw a Russian with a glass of water, and asked, "My son, are you a believer?" The Russian replied, "No." With a wave of his hand, Jesus changed it to a glass of wine. "Well my son, do you believe now?" The Russian frowned and shook his head. The next day Jesus went into the bar, saw the same man, and said "My son, are you a believer yet?" The Russian replied, "No." Jesus waved his hands and behold! The glass again was changed to wine. "Well my son, now you must surely believe," said, Jesus, but the Russian just frowned and shook his head. On the third day, Jesus entered the bar and went over to the Russian. "My son, are you a believer yet?" The Russian looked up and snarled...
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"If I say yes will you leave my vodka alone?"
by r/jokes
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If you see a Spanish person, tell them 'mucho.'
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It means a lot to them.
by JokesterBay
General
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he'd like. "Well," the young man says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while, and she's really hot. I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, then we're going out afterward. I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky… and once she's had me, she'll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack." So he buys the condoms and leaves. Later that evening, he's sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree. He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes. Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, "You never told me you were such a religious person." He whispers back...
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"You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
by r/jokes