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Saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot. He noticed me looking at him and said "he's mine, I'm not stealing him or anything" and then before i could reply he added...

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"If i was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn't be this asshole"

by r/jokes
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An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada. As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer's brother-in-law whole! The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says "Quick! Shoot him, but be careful, my brother-in-law's inside his belly!" The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off. The American falls to his knees, looking at the Canadian and asking "Why did you shoot the wrong bear?" The ranger scoffs and says...
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"Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?"
by r/jokes
General
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he'd like. "Well," the young man says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while, and she's really hot. I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, then we're going out afterward. I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky… and once she's had me, she'll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack." So he buys the condoms and leaves. Later that evening, he's sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree. He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes. Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, "You never told me you were such a religious person." He whispers back...
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"You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
by r/jokes
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What's the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
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They don’t like the Flintstones in Dubai but in Abu Dhabi they Abu Dhabi do!
by JokesterBay